this title reminds me that people are asking me about chapter 7 and I'm sorry, but I'll get to it. I'm really not sure when I should introduce the main problem in all of this. All the initial characters are in it, just not the protagonists. I guess I could get to the problem now, but is it too soon? I hope not. I'll do it next entry, promise.
It's time I stop being silly and post my thoughts and not care who reads them. I told everyone I'd change and be honest and myself; time to prove it.
I guess I deserved it, because Jesse dumped me. I really sort of did; I wasn't being fair to him at all. I spent a day crying and not being home, before I pulled myself back to straigten up and meet Krista for lunch at high school. It was lots of fun, though I found it odd that they all knew that Jesse had dumped me; until I found out Krista had said something. It did save me from delivering the painful news myself, so I thank her for that. I guess I've become a better person; everyone liked me this round much better than last. Austin gave me a hug at the end of it; I had needed it a lot, so I was really glad he gave me one. I was gonna go off with Krista after that, but then I remembered had a dinner to get to, which actually turned out to be a lunch, my bad.
I arrived at Joseph's place amidst hugs of the 20 year old. We'd both sort of dressed up; I had a soft kimono type shirt on (it seemed to keep wanting to rise back up to my chest) with black pants and a burgandy swaide shirt on over it, with my glowing flower necklace I made and my hair done up, and he was wearing black suit pants with a velvet black shirt (i envied him that shirt, it was cold, and velvet is soooo warm....), with a long coat over it. His hair was tied back, something I'd never seen him do before.
We went to this ittalian place for lunch that he knew of. It was really good! I had angel hair with meatsauce and garlic cheese bread, and he had some kind of ultra cheese tortili with stuffed mushrooms. For desert I had their Better Than Sex 3 layer Chocolate Cake (AWESOME, but not better than sex, well, with some people anyway) and he had some osrt of dish that he loved but I didn't have because I didn't want to share my own.
We went back to his house to hang out a bit, and also because Erro (if anyone has my myspace, it's the doll without half a face and pure white skin and long black hair) was still there watching TV. I huged her and let her sit and then took over the watching of TV ourselves. I saw the movie IDENTITY (awesome movie. Lots of twists). I approve of watching movies with Joseph. He answers my questions and then waits for me to see how they happened, knowing it will still amaze me even though I know what's going to happen. Exactly what I want in a movie watcher.
Half way through the movie he said I was looking sad and proceeded to do everything in his power to make me feel better, which worked. By the end of it I was laying next to him with one of his arms around my shoulders under a warm blanket. I watched him take his hair down and then made a comment that it looked better down. I do believe he blushed (I find that the simpliest comments I say make him blush, like when I said I had showed Krista his picture and she had thought him hot). He then put in an anime trio titled Memories. The first one was called Mettalic Rose. I fell in love with the artwork. The second was called Stink Bomb. I actually got really mad at the chracter in this one for being a FUCKING IDIOT. Somewhere between these 2 Jesse called; I was watching anime and having a good time and I knew that he'd want to talk which would end up arguing if I didn't stop, so I said I'd talk to him later. I texted him, saying I'd be there around 9. Somewhere in these 2 as well I met his cousin and learned about the newest things happening with Joseph's grandfather. He left to go to work so we went and watched the last one, titled Canon Fodder. This one was cool in story, and was one giant metaphor. I really want a house like the one the main family lives in. After the anime, we lay and talked. I felt so calm then. It was nice, just laying in the dark with someone who knows you. He asked me if I was real; I told him I didn't know. I asked if he was real; he didn't know either. We talked of how we knew was it was to lose days in time and drift in and out of reality, and how not to know if you're fully human. I think what I said exactly was, "and so you'll wake up and it will be 2 days later and you'll think it should be wednesday but it's friday and you lost 2 days. And you wonder who's wrong and whos right, if you really did miss those days or if they didn't have them. If you're the confused one, or maybe they are." "I know exactly what you mean."
He asked if I was an angel, I said I'm probably more of an immortal, but it was funny; I felt like I could feel wings flurring on my back then. The strangest feeling... He said I frightened him. I told him he frightened me. I don't know why, but he does. But, we both know we want to keep being around each other. I made plans to come back Friday, and then had to go. He walked me to my car and told me to drive safe so I could come back and I told him I would. I said, I have to now, and made him smile. A wave goodbye and telling him to go back inside because it was cold and I was on my way.
It's funny how the roads intersect. Driving on I-35 for about 20 minutes and I was outside Jesse's dorm, tucking Erro in and preparing myself to call Jesse and tell him I was here, and then a knock on my window, and he was outside my car. We talked for a long time. I told him I knew and udnerstood what I had done and I had changed. He said it was because I had nothing left to lose. I said there is always something greater to lose. What I didn't say and thought about later is the reason I changed is because I've lost enough. I don't want the same thing to tear apart me and others. I knew I had to find myself, and find it fast, and stop lying. In order to prove it, I told him something I swore I'd never say, but that he needed to hear to know me for real. It made him cry. We took a walk and ended up in much better moods. He said that he realized that I followed everyone else's way and not my own. I said I had realized this and stopped and was myself now. "Then who are you?" "Well, I guess, you're sort of looking at her." Jon came out and I walked off; I didn't want a conferentation. He called me back to say goodbye. He said he was glad I was myself and was interested. I said, don't say it like that. He said, I dont' mean it like that. I said, I know, but a part of me still hopes you would mean it like that. He was going to hug me. I backed off; I didn't want that. There was something in his eyes I couldn't name. He reached for my hand in my pocket and brushed it, and then I said blankly, bye Jesse, and walked to my car. I hit the windsheild in frustation and told him he hadn't seen anything, and got in. He looked at me as I drive by. I know because I looked to see if he was looking. I didn't think about him anymore as I drove home, happy that I only had to stop at 3 lights along the way, and they were all in Denton.
I got home, fell into bed, and didn't wake until 12:30 or so, when I came in here and wrote this.
I feel:  blank |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
agent_spliced's journal
busy
serious
determined
awake
contemplative
techoed